


And I'll be gone, gone tonight

by bigsweatersandcuddleweather



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Cancer, Death, Multi, sick!fic, vague mentions of cancer, zayn centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-04
Updated: 2013-11-04
Packaged: 2017-12-31 12:00:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1031489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigsweatersandcuddleweather/pseuds/bigsweatersandcuddleweather
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I’m so tired Li. So tired of the adentures. I just want to sleep." the world weary voice tugged at all of their hearts, because this was their Zayn. T</p>
<p>he big doe eyed innocent creature that they had met just five fateful years ago, the one who refused to dance and belted songs out like an angel from the stars above. The Zayn they had watched grow and who had watched them, the pillow talk, the heart to hearts, all the banter and play fights, the ups and downs, but lately it had just seemed like one continuous down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And I'll be gone, gone tonight

**Author's Note:**

> This wasn’t planned at all but I’ve been listening to Story of My Life on repeat all day and this is the result and I am honestly so sorry because I said I would never do this but I did.

"Remember why we’re doing this." Louis said, slamming down the trunk of the car before heading back into the flat, watching as Niall loaded the backseat with pillows and blankets, making a nest as Liam watched with amused affection. Harry sat in the passenger seat, his door hanging wide open as he shot out text to the important people, shutting off his phone as soon as the tedious job was done, not wanting any rebuke.

"Do you think this is wise? We’re going to be pissing off a lot of people." Harry said, running hands through his hair, tugging on it gently to remind himself to stay focused.

"Wise or not, we have to do it. And when have you ever known us to be wise?"

"I know, but out family, and our friends…not to mention what management will say when they find out." he tried to argue but it was forgotten as all their heads turned to the door of the flat, Louis’s arms wrapped around a narrow waist, supportive, so unlike Louis, as he helped the petite figure down the stairs, bundled in sweats and wrapped in his favorite quilt, the one he went to sleep in every night, the one is daadi had painstakingly stitched together when he was thirteen and suffering nightmares.

"There you go, are you ready for our trip?" Louis murmured softly into the bundle of blankets and layers, his tone reminiscent of an adult speaking to a toddler.

"No. I want to stay in my bed, where it’s warm and familiar." the velvet smooth voice snapped, albeit weakly, still leaning heavily on the fringe haired brunette.

"Come on Zayn. One last adventure. Just the five of us." Liam said, walked over and wrapping his free arm around the narrow shoulders, where he knew tattoos were skinned on too small skin, to much ink and not enough of that gorgeous tan skin that his friend seemed to despise.

"I’m so tired Li. So tired of the adentures. I just want to sleep." the world weary voice tugged at all of their hearts, because this was their Zan, the big eyes innocent creature that they had met just five fateful years ago, the one who refused to dance and belted songs out like an angel from the stars above. The Zayn they had watched grow and who had watched them, the pillow talk, the heart to hearts, all the banter and play fights, the ups and downs, but lately it had just seemed like one continuous down.

"I know. I know you are. But it’s almost done. We’re almost done. Then you can sleep." Louis promised, keeping his voice strong because he didn’t want to or know how to let Zayn go. None of them did. They were a unite. How were they supposed to go on with one gone?

" ‘M cold." he shivered as a sharp wind knocked into him.

"Alright, let’s get him into the car. We’ve got a lot of distance to cover." Niall said with that same cheer as he normally had, but this one seemed more forced, a facade. Everything about them was a facade now a days.

"Where are we going?" he asked, once he had been settled into the nest of blankets and pillows, swaddled but his face uncovered, gaunt and fatigued, but a smile that made them think that maybe, this would all be worth it.

"Somewhere brighter, more beautiful." Niall said, reaching out for Zayn’s hand, cringing because the bird stared at him, when it used to take up only a quarter of his hand now it took up almost half, the limb s emaciated. He felt like he was holding a child’s hand, the veins visible and daunting. But he held tight, urging Zayn to grip his just as long, not to let go of him just yet.

"Will it be warmer there?" he asked, watching them streak past the empty highway, still between the early dusk and light night, a time where everything was abandoned and held a strange eerie silence to it.

"No. But it’s okay, you’ll have us there to make it warmer." Louis said, peering intently through the windshield, both hands clutching the steering wheel.

"If you fart near me again then I’m going to kick you in the balls." Zayn groaned, making them all crack up, memories of those night on tour buses, hyped on adrenaline and the rush of the stage, sharing one room all the way in the back, with playing cards and games of strip poker that ended up with them getting buzzed and falling asleep on top of each other, warm and completely comfortable.

They all seemed to pay attention to one breathy set of lungs laughing along with them, immersed in dreams of days long passed. Zayn sat laid back in the nest they insisted he be in, a nostalgic smile on his chapped lips and that shine back in his eyes that had been dull for the longest time, it was their Zayn.

 

  
They drove straight through the night, stopping only once they got off the ferry and ended up in France, somewhere in the countryside where they found a beach, all of them bunkering down with blankets and pillows, heat blasting from the vents, and the sun peaking out from the edges of the skyline.

"You never really get a chance. To really appreciate it." they turned to Liam who was sat next to Zayn arms encasing his fragile emaciated body.

"Yeah, because it’s here before you arrive and it’s still going to be here long after we’re gone." Niall said, reaching out for his hand and finding comfort in the fingers pressing along the gaps in his. Louis and Harry reached for each other over the barrier, trying to keep the crushing weight from caving in on them, the future that loomed in some of their futures, and the freedom in the others.

Rattling coughs spewed from Zayn’s narrow throat, dragging all their attention t him as he pressed a fist to his pursed lips, trying to stop the fit, Liam’s hands gently patting unnsurely. When he pulled away none of them flinched with the saw the pool of red trailing down the corner of his lips, merely passing Liam a napkin so that he could dab at it gingerly, giving all of them a chance to wipe at their eyes in frustrations, pushing away the grief. Now wasn’t the time.

"Alright, a spot of breakfast and then back on the road. We’ve still got a decent path ahead of us." Louis said, feigning the cheer as he tossed the blankets over his shoulders and took off down the road, a determined fervor, almost manic in his posture as he drove, thinking that maybe everything would be okay. Once they were there.

They would be okay.

Zayn was asleep again when they reached the outskirts of their destination, shivering as Harry opened the door to the little lodge inside, to ask how to get to their reservations. Niall watched the small rise and fall of the cocoon of covers, knowing that when he slept is hurt less then when he was awake, but he didn’t want him to sleep. He wanted him awake, laughing, cracking idiotic jokes about strumming and complaining about Louis’s stinky feet. He wanted the Zayn who was all soft droopy hair and soft smiles with his sock clad feet propped up on the table and laughing as they all clambered around, running and playing games, wincing as they poked at each of his new tattoos.

"Alright, gotta drive around back and then park there. Ours is lot 5." Harry said, holding up the keys and a pamphlet. Thy all found the irony in having the number five, a five piece band, they just had their fifth anniversary, they were about to release their fifth album, and let go of their fifth member. It was a bittersweet irony and one they hated with everything.

"Zayn, hey Zee. We’re here." Harry waited till the others had emptied everything out of the car, setting up their space before reaching for the limp figure, large hands cupping his frail body close to his chest.  
As he clambered out of the car, cradling him in one arm, like a babe, while he adjusted the beanie pulled over his thinning brows and dragging the blankets to shield him against the cold, before making his way past all the glass domes, getting to the one that belonged to them, a little glass igloo in the middle of Finland. He deposited Zayn onto the two beds that they shoved together, right under the suns glare but he seemed to absorb the heat and smile, the warmth of the indoor heating making him purr, like a kitten.

"Liam? Can I have some water?" he heard the soft raspy request as cold hands reached out to cup his neck, from where he was resting next to Zayn. He didn’t flinch away, used to the cold that captivated his best mates limbs, like a clung to him like a second frigid skin.

"Yeah, hold on." he said, reaching past Louis who clung to his side, to the side table where they has set a few water bottles, knowing he liked his lukewarm, the cold making his teeth hurt and his gums shoot sharp pain into his jaw. He helped him raise his head up, a hand cradling the fern ink on his neck as he sipped the water, falling back onto the pillows as if those movements were too much for him, which they probably were.

"Li? Remember that time at bootcamp where you pushed me into the pool?" he asked after a minute, his voice breathy and erratic. Liam nodded as he pictured the glistening pool, the urge to push his new mate in, then the panic that set in when he saw him flailing and gasping, the fear in his eyes.

"Yeah, you were so scared." he said softly, reaching for Zayn’s hand.

"Yeah, I can imagine. That’s how all of you lads look nowadays. Scared, lost, like you’re drowning, just barely hanging on." he said, turning to stare into Liam’s eyes, his own understanding, and that very vague hint of playful and serious that was just so…Zayn. Liam couldn’t help the tears that bubbled in his lids.

"I just- You’re my best mate and what am I supposed to do when you’re gone? I don’t think I know how to be me without you. And I am scared because what is going to happen when I need to talk to someone and I turn to tell you a joke or bring up your contact and then I realize that I can’t because you’re not there anymore." he sobbed, ashamed that he’s so weak and why should he be crying when all the bad stuff seems to happen to Zayn? When it’s his life that’s being cut short.

"Liam, it’s okay. Everything is going to be okay." tiny fingers combed through his mussed hair and wrapped slender palms around his neck.

"How do you know? How do you know Zee?" he asked, choking on his cries. Zayn shushed him, bringing his head onto his shoulder and humming under his breath.  
"Because I’m Zayn. I know everything." Liam hiccuped a bumpy chuckle.

"Do you really think that I’m going to be gone forever. I’m always going to around. Somewhere. Always around. I want to watch you lads live. I want to watch you lads fall in love and get married, have families and go on to do things that we always said we would. I want to watch you lads live, and live happy." he wheezed, coughing into the crook of his arm.

"My future is pretty set, but you lads can do anything, and everything. You can take over the world."

"We’ve already done that. With you. And we wont do it without you." Louis said,sitting up, wet streaks on his cheeks and fuck it all because when does Louis Tomlinson cry?

"Then do whatever it is that makes you happy. That’s all. Zap Loueh. Zap that you lads are happy forever." he sighed, reaching over the trace the tattoo on his gaunt forearm.

"Zayn-" Harry tried to cut him off, because it sounded like he was saying goodbye and he couldn’t. Not yet.

"Harreh. Little Hazza. Not little anymore but you’ll always be my little bro. My littlest bro." Zayn reached out, running a hand through his hair and smiling because he knew Harry hated goodbyes, hated that goodbye meant forever and that was a really long time but sometimes forever had to come.

"Thank you lads. For the best five years of my life." Zayn huffed, glancing at all of them with watery eyes, and a smile pulling at the corners of hips lips.

"No. You can’t say bye yet. Not yet Zayn. Please." Niall pleaded, crying softly, his head pressed against Zayn’s flattened stomach.

"Don’t be sad little irish."

"I can’t. What am I supposed to do without you?" he choked and stuttered, clutching to the fabrics shrouding his best mate like a mummy.

"You have the others. Louis and Liam and Harry. You’ll be there for each other and the fans. They’ll always be there."

"But they don’t know anything. They don’t know you. Not like we do. They weren’t there with us through it all, the recording and all thse late nights after concerts, they don’t know." Louis growled, throwing his bottled water across the room.

"Louis. Breathe. Relax."

"I can’t. Damnit I’ve held it in but I can’t anymore. Not when I’m about to lose my partner in crime. What about all the adventures we were supposed to go on? All the crazy places and things we were supposed to do? Riding around in our mystery machine and causing mayhem? What about all that?" and they all watched as Louis, the strongest of them all teared up, wrapping arms around all of them, a signature group hug except for the tears and the tight grip they held, because this would probably be the last time they would all be able to hold each other like this.

"You’ll be okay. You;ll all be okay. Ssh." and it was Zayn comforting them, as he stood on the doorstep of death, about to head into the unknown abyss, he was holding them together, just like he always did.  
They let his words comfort them, because soon they wouldn’t be able to hear that voice, except through speakers and screens, never able to capture it’s perfection, the warmth that it brought to them.  
~~~~~~

"Hey Liam, I think it’s dark enough now." Niall interrupted after a long time, gesturing to the curtains they had drawn.

"Dark enough for what?" Zayn asked, laying back in his bed, the exhaustion written all over his face.

"For this." Harry said, taking hold of one end of the curtains and pulling, Liam drawing the other end, showing off the lights that filled the skies, brilliant shades of greens and blues, pinks and reds that shifted and shaped along the dark sky, a show of natural beauty.

"The Northern Lights." Zayn sighed, doe eyes going big, eyelashes making them look exaggeratedly big with each slow blink, staring through the glass in awe and pure happiness, watching the wonder that he always dreamed of seeing, but never thought he would.

This would be the Zayn they remembered. Not the one who got sick, the one who had to go to chemo and suffered day in and out with bleeding gums and easily bruised skin, who had to shave his head and that was the first time any of them saw him cry, because his hair was his trademark. This smiling Zayn with the big eyes and the big heart, the one who they got to know in X factor and grown to love like a brother was the one they would remember.

They all watched him instead of the sky, knowing that soon enough they wouldn’t even be able to do that. They tried to stay back as he got up, crawling or more like stymbling out of their bed and onto his feet, reaching up for the glass, trying to touch the sky that he would be joining very very soon.

"Thank you lads. Thank you for everything." he said, turning to them, his eyes the warmest of browns, that affection that he normally had when he looked at them was blazing into their skin there. RIght there. Like it never went away.

"No, thank you Zayn." And they dragged him back into the bed, surrunding him in warmth, giving him back the love that he had always supplied them with in his hugs and love.

“ _la ilaha illallah muhammadur rasulullah_.” they heard the prayer slip from smiling lips and tightened their grips, on both him and their hearts, letting him have that last prayer, that last moment with god right before they met.

 

And when they woke up in the morning he would be gone, to a place where they couldn’t go after him, the ghost of that smile glittering in the remains of the northern lights that shone throughout the early morning sky, like it was their Zayn already in the sky, telling them goodbye one last time.


End file.
